When a child pwns a baptist minister
I’m a regular listener of the Non Prophets radio show (via podcast, tuning in live from the UK isn’t always practicable) and was über-impressed when I heard about the ‘pop’ essay (an Americanism meaning an essay to be written in class, set by a teacher without students being aware that it was to take place) written by the 11 year old daughter of Atheist in a minivan.
The essay, in all its eloquent beauty, is as follows:
What I want for Christmas, by Possum#1
There’s a movie that’s frequently shown in twenty-four hour blocks in which the main character, Ralphie, wants nothing but a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas. Ironically enough, he’s asked to write an essay about his Christmas desire by a slightly shrewd teacher and told that he’ll shoot his eye out. As I glance around this classroom, I see that many of my friends are feverishly pumping out manifestos dictating what gadgets and goodies they wish to find under their Christmas tree on the morning of December 25th. My mind, however, is reeling over the presumption that my public school teacher has addressed our classroom and assigned an essay in which she presumes that the entire lot of us are Christian or celebrate Christmas. I take another look around my classroom and notice that Mahmeed is absent-mindedly cleaning underneathe his fingernails with the cap from his pen. Emily is feverishly trying to catch my eye and, having done so, mouthing the words, “I don’t celebrate Christmas…I’m Jewish.” in a quizzical manner. Jayden is doing what he normally does during such pop essays: he’s looking out the window- probably wondering where his parents will get the money for January’s rent and feeling guilty for daring to think about a gift. He’s pretty sensitive. I have never admitted it to any of my friends, but I think I must be an atheist. My mother is an atheist and has always told me to find my own path to spiritual comfort. I think I must be an atheist because I can’t fathom any God who would allow the celebration of the birth of his son to become a time when my friends are consumed with thoughts of how they can convince Grandma to buy them a new Nano Ipod while other kids are wondering how their parent will manage the rent. What do I want for Christmas, I want a less assuming teacher. I want a teacher who thinks past the standard “What I want for Christmas…” assignment when she’s aware that three out of her twenty students probably don’t celebrate Christmas. I want a world where my friends will be asked to write essays about how they might use their winter vacay’ to help other people. I want my mom to be healthy again. I want my grandmother to quit smoking. I want my grandfather to quite bugging her about it. But most of all, I want to not get an “F” on this assignment because you get angry with me for saying all of the above. Merry Christmas, Mrs. “X”* (name changed to protect identities).
What an absolute diamond of an essay!
What I didn’t know about, until I listened to yesterday’s podcast (NP #6.2), was that a baptist minister from the US, who called himself William, decided that it was in the best interests of Atheist in a minivan and Possum#1 (the daughter) to insinuate himself into their lives and ‘witness’ to them.
This witnessing took the form of comparing atheists to rapists, equating questioning authority with rape, and a fantastic quote of There may be some atheists who can feign morality
. Whoa!
And then there’s this classic:
I am not after a theocracy. I only know that there is God’s law and man’s law and we would all be better served by serving God’s law. William
Sounds like a theocracy to me!
Even a member of the minister’s own ‘flock’ added their commentary, saying I have to say that he was not this mean sounding when he talked about this little girl and her mother [in our Sunday School meeting]
.
In response to Williams’ comment of I know all that I need to know about atheists and the Non Prophets show has shown me that atheists are foul-mouthed and full of themselves
, Wintermute, a commenter responded with this gem:
Ted Haggard has shown me that all Christians are gay meth addicts. Kent Hovind has shown me that all Christians commit tax fraud. What, you don’t think that works so well?
This goes on for a bit, William shuts up on Atheist in a minivan’s blog, but starts bugging her by personal email. Here are a few of his gems.
I want to beseech you not to listen to the nonprophets. I have heard enough of them to know that no good parent would want their child associated with such trash. I prayed about this during their episode and God is telling me that you need patience and love. If I give you that, your heart will soften. God is telling me that if I love you enough and preach his word, you will change. Your children will change.
If I witness to the power and glory of Christ Almighty, you will come to know Him.
God has told me that your family is still hanging on a thread. You can be saved. My wife has prayed about this and we want to invite your family over for a barbeque. We can talk about these things.
William, you make me sick.