The Invisible Pink Unicorn exists!

16 June 2009 · 5 Comments

I am indeed blessed!

Let me recount to you the circumstances of my blessing from Her Holy Hoofedness, the Invisible Pink Unicorn herself:

I was sitting down today to my lunch and, not-very-well hidden within my salad, I saw a slice of onion.

Now, this was no ordinary piece of onion: it was a slice of red onion in the shape of a horseshoe (or, more precisely, in the shape of a unicornshoe, horses and unicorns being of the same “kind”). Of course, being a red onion, it’s not actually “red” at all, it’s more purply-pink on the outside, and it’s also translucent on the inside!

This red onion, being merely a macroscale physical manifestation of the properties of Her Holy Hoofedness, is made of atoms therefore it can’t actually be invisible per se, but the property of translucence is close enough to invisible to count, or so I say.

So, let us recap:

onion
unicornshoe/horseshoe shape
both pink and translucent

But, wait, there’s more!

Everyone knows that if you hold your nose when eating an onion, and if you have your eyes closed (which renders everything “invisible”!), it’s indistinguishable from eating an apple and, again as we all know, horses (and unicorns) love apples!

Let’s add that to the list:

onion
unicornshoe/horseshoe shape
both pink and translucent
onions are indistinguishable from apples
unicorns love apples

How can anyone be sceptical of such a sign? Just a coÃ¯ncidence? I think not!

Of course, I can’t expect you to believe me just because I say so, that’s no basis for claiming that I’m blessed: I need to show you evidence! And lo, I just happened to have my cameraphone with me, and I captured the evidence in digital photographic form. None of that wishy-washy “it kinda looks, if you squint enough, like Jesus/Mary/one of the bajillion names of Allah that otherwise looks like a squiggle” on a slice of toast/a window/inside a potato crap here, this is the real deal! Look!

My Red Onion blessing from the Invisible Pink Unicorn

Take that, you sceptics!

Sadly, the camera fails to capture the complete majesty of my blessing, but that’s because we have to rely on silly limited concepts like “science” and “technology” for cameras to work.

So, seeing as I’ve been blessed by Her Holy Hoofedness the Invisible Pink Unicorn, I can only come to the conclusion that I have been chosen, for reasons known only to Herself, as Her latest prophet, and have had a revelation of what She expects of us puny, mortal humans.

My revelation is this: you must eat red onions with every lunchtime meal, and only red onions. No other member of the Allium genus are allowed to be consumed at lunchtime. Even chives. In fact, especially chives (because they’re green and thin and neither pink nor invisible).

Red Onions now must also be capitalised because it is now Holy Food.

It hasn’t yet been revealed to me whether having a mint after eating Red Onions is permitted, prohibited, condoned, demanded, or even if Her Holy Hoofedness cares if we eat mints. Until I (or another of Her Prophets) receive such a revelation, one can only assume that She is pondering this and will let us know when She comes to Her decision.

I await further personal revelations from Her Holy Hoofedness with bated onion-y breathe.

Tags: <demotivation, evidence, Her Holy Hoofedness, Invisible Pink Unicorn, pareidolia, photo, taking the piss>